If I Was In Charge

By Peach

Peach, with the help of armed insurgents, has taken over the United States of America. She issues forth the following new pronouncements. Roll over, Howard Dean!

1. BOOKS AND CDS ARE FREE OF CHARGE TO ANYONE UNDER 35

2. RESTAURANT PORTIONS WILL BE HALVED TO PREVENT OBESITY

3. WHITE PEOPLE WILL BE BUS BOYS AND MEXICANS MAITRE' D'S

4. FOR EVERY GAP STORE BUILT, GAP CORPORATION MUST ERECT A FREE PUBLIC ACCESS BATHROOM NEARBY

5. CINEMAS MUST SHOW FILMS ON SCREENS OF A SIZE INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO THE FILM¹S BUDGET

6. ALL MALLS SHALL BE CONVERTED INTO FREE DORMS FOR THE HOMELESS

7. NOBODY HAS TO PAY ANY TAXES EXCEPT THE FOLLOWING:

i. BANKERS

ii. LAWYERS

iii. CORPORATE EXECUTIVES

iv. CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS

v. RELIGIOUS FANATICS

vi. PEOPLE WHO ABANDON THEIR PETS

8. EVERY AMERICAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW ANOTHER LANGUAGE BESIDES ENGLISH WILL BE SENT TO IRAQ TO FIGHT

9. ALL AMERICANS MUST WATCH "SOUTH PARK" THREE HOURS A WEEK TO AVOID A SIN TAX

10. EVERY OTHER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA MUST BE FEMALE.